LAUGHTER
IN GERMAN ACCENT: Welcome to Germany, gentlemen.
He looks funny, isn't it?
Like in a film or something.
He's German, like that guy we're fighting, Hitler or whatever.
He's German as well, or something. Your first time in this country?
I went to Boulogne on a school trip in the fifth year,
got all flick knives and shit, and porn mags.
Mrs Daniels searched my bag, and I was excluded for ten days.
No way, ten days? That's actually like abuse.
You know what I mean? Mrs Daniels was a right munter. LAUGHTER
Boulogne is in France, not Germany.
Whatever. I was away when we did geography - my nan died.
Cigarette, gentlemen? No, duh. They're, like, disgusting and bad for you.
Can you put that out because I'm breathing in your smoke,
and that's against my human rights? It's like a sort of murder.
When you were shot down,
you were on a reconnaissance mission over the suburbs of Munich.
What were you looking for? You know, places to bomb and stuff, like...
factories or some shit like that. LAUGHTER
I shouldn't have been in the plane.
I only came along because I'm going out with his sister!
She's well up for it!
Oi, that's my sister, man. I know, but she is well up for it, though.
No, she is well up for it, she's slack.
A bombing mission is planned for the Munich suburbs. Tell me more.
No way, you're not my dad!
LAUGHTER
I can and will use force if necessary to extract information from you.
You can't cos that's against the Geneva Convention and shit.
You can get, like, taken to court and fined or something.
I want legal aid and a telephone call, that's my rights.
Do not talk to me about your rights!
You have no rights in this room!
Er...
Actually, they do.
It's, like, the law and shit. LAUGHTER
We did it as a module at Berlin Uni. I didn't believe the lecturer at first,
and this is me to the geezer, "Are you sure, mate?", and he's all like, "Ya!"
You know what I'm saying? Silence!
He needs to take a chill pill.
You know what I mean? Isn't it? Isn't it?
Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?
Isn't it? Standard.
That was a fabulous half, lads, absolutely fabulous!
We've got the goal up, so this half, play opportunity by all means,
but keep it tight, keep it defensive.
Roddy, you've gotta fill if it looks like it's going that way.
Otherwise, top notch. You've gotta keep your heads in the game.
Please, don't listen to the crowd.
Redman's coming off any minute. That means Gil or Rostoe.
So, Andy, you've gotta mark like hell. Well done!
You're tonight's team, you're playing fabulous.
Get out there, have some fun and win the game!
ALL: All right!
Go on!
Kill them. LAUGHTER
SIREN BLARES
Oh, for Pete's sake.
All right?
Fine.
Busy?
Fairly quiet.
See you got the horse again.
Yep. Didn't fancy a motorbike?
They were all gone.
They keep giving me this souped-up Beemer.
Got about 200 horsepower under the bonnet.
You?
One. Oh, yeah.
'Ere, doesn't she want a Polo?
No.
Nice having a partner, though.
She's not my partner.
What's her name? No idea.
Never given it any thought, haven't a bloody clue. Right.
Are you sure she doesn't want a Polo?
Maybe an extra-strong mint? Why don't you just...?
'All units, we have a high-speed armed suspect
in a blue Saab, going north up Garfield Road.
'Vehicle is travelling at approximately 110 mph.'
Roger that. We'll take that one. Oh, hang on... Unless you want to.
LAUGHTER
Oh, er, we're doing a bit of surveillance, you know, keeping an eye on a few things?
Very hush hush. Well, you're doing a very good job of blending in(!)
So, er...
that blue Saab, is that a yay...
or a nay?
It's...
a nay.
Laters!
OK, people, keep the ball in the air. We're all from Africa. Got it.
Your sister's having a bath. Uh-huh. Cereal is full of sugar. Understood.
Turn up early if you do a car boot sale. How early? A couple of hours.
Carol Vorderman can moonwalk. There are only 12 episodes of Fawlty Towers. Yeah.
You can make bombs out of cake mixture. Right.
It's illegal to refuse to serve tap water in the UK.
How's my sister's bath coming along?
She's just showering off. Tell her to get a bloody move on!
How are your dippers? They're great! Can I have some more ketchup?
Oh, go on then!
Dad?
Where do I come from?
Ipswich.
No, I mean, erm...
how did I get born?
Oh, right.
Well...
I met your mum at work.
We bumped into each other in a corridor, literally,
then we had a few dates,
got to know each other, and found out we got on really well.
Then eventually we fell in love and got married...
Yeah, I know, icky stuff.
And then, in November, 1994,
your mum got drunk and had sex with two builders.
LAUGHTER
Nine months later, out you popped!
Not sure which of the builders is your real dad.
I guess it's not the Chinese one.
Right, choc ices!
Yes, come on, you little tight ass bitch!
HE GROANS
Hello, boss. Tony, Tony...
my beloved manager!
Gum? What? Would you like an Orbit chewing gum?
They are professional chewing gums. OK.
WINCING
WINCING AND LAUGHTER
I left it minty for you, yeah?
I just wanted to ask you about this new left back you've just signed.
Is now a good time? No, Tony, it is not.
I found out last night my little brother Carlo is dying.
He has a liver condition which means he can no longer process paint stripper.
That is nasty. So Carlo needs a new liver, but he has a rare blood type.
Damn you, God!
I ought to come up there myself and have you killed!
Maybe I'll bring Tony, and he'll give you a good beating too, right?!
Oh, defo, you bastard!
Carlo is such a beautiful man, such a caring man.
You know, when he came back from siege of Grozny he gave me a string of enemy ears.
He made it himself.
Oh, so creative with it, too.
But it was you, Tony, you brought us closer together as brothers.
All we needed on a cold winter night was our black market Commodore 64
and Tony Dorsett's Soccer Skills 2.
Who'd have thought? A soccer legend and a top computer programmer!
Oh, no, I didn't really get too hands-on in the programming lark.
Oh, you're too modest, hey?
It had your little fingers all over it.
You know, Carlo loved that game.
Even more than he loved throwing cats from the upstairs window.
Why must the good die so young, Tony?
TEARFULLY: Why?!
So, about this Southampton defender you've bought? Oh, but Tony, I'm so sorry.
I'm letting my private life get in the way of your important work.
What is it, Tony? Well, I appreciate you buying him...
it's just we already have three left backs, and he's not exactly world class.
He's fit and healthy? Yes.
He was cheap?
Yes. He has rare blood type, O negative?
LAUGHTER Yeah. Oh, God!
Sometimes in life, Tony, you fall asleep in a bar...
...you wake up in a hotel room minus a liver.
Do you?
Have you never had your hand inside another man, Tony?
LAUGHTER
It feels quite...
warm.
Oh, Jesus Christ! I can't do it, Dmitri!
It will be just like an episode of Holby City, but set in a Holiday Inn.
Pieter, take Tony to the kitchen.
He'll find you a Tupperware box and some ice.
Oh, it is a fabulous property, congratulations!
Here's a package from the vendors.
It's just an instruction manual, and what have you.
There's one here on how to run the swimming pool!
Keys as well. We've got front door, gatehouse, stable yard, et cetera.
It's all in there, anyway, for you to read at your leisure.
Before I forget, our compliments!
Thank you! Very, very, very well done!
Wonderful! I know you'll be very happy there.
Thanks for the champagne. Thanks so much.
Kill them!
SIREN BLARES
Here we go.
All right, Tonto?! We've just been to a bank raid up at the East End.
Very exciting, tearing it up down the Embankment.
Absolutely fabulous!
Got five of them, then we went off for a cup of coffee.
Oh, hang on. Got you this.
Didn't have any cubes.
Thought you'd just pour it onto the tongue maybe.
Laters!
Here's one for the horse!
But for his vocational calling to the piano,
Fyffe was within an ace of becoming a schoolmaster.
Isn't that so?Ba-lum, ba-lum, ba-lum. Ba-lee, ba-low, ba-low.
You see. Just to hear that fills me with remorse.
To think we keeping such pedagogic pedigree
from his rightful place in a dusty classroom.
A whole generation of young Britons
will have a Fyffe-shaped gap in their frontal lobes. Their cerebral arc.
Vast tranches of schoolboy cricketers denied the thrill of a Fyffe delivery.
A Chinaman with a twist. Deprived of his famous anecdotes
of how he saw off his last victim at cards. A Chinaman with a twist!
Or how Mrs Fyffe came to produce such an exquisite-looking Oriental child.
A twist with a Chinaman!
The chief amongst these emissions is what I like to call the Fyffe perspective.
And so, to redress the balance, we have set down the unique essence of Teddy Fyffe
in the form of a song to be sung morning, noon and night by every child in the land.
# Why are the French such a bunch of work shies?
# Why are the Belgians such a bore?
# Why are the Germans and the Dutch such terrible mountebanks?
# And dealing with your Swiss, always a chore?
BOTH: # From Monaco to Marrakech, they'll lie as soon as draw a breath
BOTH: # In Spain, they'll sell their mothers for a crown
# In Greece, they live in bungalows and eat the bits between dogs' toes
# The Turkish are all thieves of wide renown
BOTH: # A single truth we hold, self-evidence and fancy-free
# Take note now 'cause we'll only say it once
BOTH: # All points abroad are swathed in mediocrity
# 'Cause foreigners are a terrible bunch of c... #
BLEEPING, LAUGHTER
Mind, the Middle East at the moment is a terrible tangle, isn't it?
Nobody seems to know what to do.
I don't know why they divv'n just take the three main holy cities... What are they?
Jerusalem, Mecca and Medina, and turn them
into independent city states along the lines of the Vatican City.
See, that way, they'd be autocratic - self-governing -
they'd have their own police force so there'd be
protected access to the holy shrines, and what have yous,
and give each city state a seat on the UN Council
to protect the interests of all the citizens of whatever denomination.
That way, nobody need feel that their sovereign rights
to the holy shrines is being affected.
In one move, you'd take away
one of the most contentious issues in the whole of the Middle East.
Perhaps even create a lasting peace.
But then, what do I know?
SAT NAV: 'In 600 metres,
'turn right immediately after the single faith school.
'God only knows what they teach them in there!
'Don't get me wrong, it's good they're getting an education.
'But you do wonder what gets wiped off the blackboards
'at the end of the day.
'Turn right at the cultural centre.
'Don't get me started.' LAUGHTER
Where are we, Captain? I'm getting nothing on these vector readings.
I've got a bad feeling about this. It's not gonna be easy out there.
Wait a minute! Those mountains, that leaden sea. I know this planet.
Does it have a name? It has a name all right!
It is Lower Dinsbury.
Lower Dinsbury. But they said...
That it wasn't real? That it was a myth?
Well, it looks pretty real to me.
My God, he was right all along! Who, Captain?
The man who taught me everything I know about these galaxies - Geoff Sutcliffe.
Geoff Sutcliffe? The Pagolian Knight? But where?
After the great Galaxian Crusades,
I spent two years on the twin moons of Appleford and Little Appleford.
It was there I learned the secret of the silent prism,
an uncharted layout of the universe.
It was thought to be mythical, but the governing Sila warriors taught it as fact.
They taught me the way in and out of every black hole
and fourth dimension paradigm from Fetley to Bunnington.
And what became of this Geoff?
He was too brave.
After the dry lactic wars began to affect his people,
he went and faced the leader of the Ruloids himself. He fought Gordon Smethwick?
He did...
and he was vaporised. But he saved Netherwhitton in the process!
If Gordon Smethwick killed Geoff Sutcliffe
and the Sila warriors were wiped out in the battle of Shipley,
doesn't that mean you're the only being
with the knowledge of the silent prism? Yes it does.
Then, this is a trap, Captain. We can't go down there.
Lieutenant, I give the orders round here!
Those hostages need us.
So, Captain, you came to us
as I thought you would. Your bravery makes you foolish.
There's nothing you can do for the people of Lower Dinsbury now.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Who are you and what do you want?
I am the fourth ruler of the Skies of Mendorl,
tyrant of 1000 Deltas
and Commander of a fleet more powerful than this universe has ever seen before!
But you shall know me as...
Ian Nolan. LAUGHTER
Hello, what are you doing home so early? I came home from the lab.
I was doing an experiment - tried to synthesise
the DNA of blepharopsis mendica, the Devil's flower mantis!
Ah, Jesus! Ugh!
I had an accident. I...
I pricked myself with a hypodermic.
Oh, I pray to God this isn't what I think it is.
My genetic structure rewriting itself, rebooting, I'm mutating!
Oh, my God, I'm falling apart!
I know, just like me.
Yesterday, I was trying to put the strategy proposal together
and Sheila says, "Julie's gone off early.
We'll have to cover the phones for an hour".
And I'm stood there going to myself, "This isn't my job".
You know, I'm sorry, but it just isn't.
My lungs... Oh, God! Help me!
My whole body is changing.
My tissue is changing!
Agh! It's changing!
I feel exactly the same. Sometimes,
I just sit at my desk and think to myself, "Hang on!
"How come if I'm a sales manager, about 60 to 70% of what I do would
actually qualify me to be a client services director?"
Would Martin ever tell you that? No, he would not.
They keep you exactly where they want you.
Why?!
Well, I'll tell you why.
It's because if you're good at your job, people start to feel threatened.
I'm gonna have a lie down. You know when you just feel a bit off?
Euh-ee-ah-agh!
Toby, you've made your England debut, you've scored three tries.
The last one in particular was just fantastic!
You ploughed through five All Blacks,
put the ball down in the middle of the post and converted it yourself.
You're Man of the Match... There's your champagne.
You must be very proud, Toby. Well done!
I'm wearing my wife's knickers.
Pru, my darling one, there's absolutely no hot water.
Did someone left the tap running, my sweet one?
My darling Miranda, I haven't been in the kitchen.
I'm so sorry, my poppet, I thought you might have been in there. Maybe washed up?
After doing washing up last night,
I thought you might like a spin with the marigolds. Sorry, um...
I know I'm frightfully elevated company, but really,
there's no need to bestrew my way with flowers.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Miranda, my darling.
Had some naughty magpie not had away with those shiny tongs
I might have loaded the plates with more precision.
Is there any chance of getting some more salt?
Change it for that one! They're all empty.
It's not good for you! There's too much salt in all our diets. Pru, my love?
What's that Miranda, my darling? I can't hear you. I'm busy serving a customer.
No, it's all right, my darling. "I'll do it myself", said the Little Red Hen.
Careful, Miranda darling, you'll hurt yourself! Excuse me?
Don't worry, I'm fine.
I think I must have slipped on one of your rogue pieces of beetroot.
Excuse me? What?
Could I could get another plate? This one's got something on it.
We prefer that our customers don't raise their voice when complaining.
Who's raising his voice?
I wasn't raising my voice. I won't be bullied! What?
I think you need to calm down! This is absurd. It's kicking off, Pru!
Ah!
Come on, then! Come on!
Dad, it's here! Dandelions. I found it!
The last bee of the year just passed away. Good work.
Ian Botham's lost his car keys. Shit!
No-one buys rollerblades when it's raining. Right!
You can hear traffic on the early Beatles stuff.
If you pull grey hairs out, they grow back crinkly.
Elephants get pissed on rotten fruit. Yes.
Ian Botham's found his car keys. Where were they? In the kitchen. OK.
Sir, the shipping forecast... Not now, Declan!
Holly! Sweetheart!
Hello, Rog. You're back early.
Hello, darling, I thought I'd surprise you as it's our anniversary.
Ah! I was in the shower.
Sorry, I should have called ahead. I didn't think.
Holly, who is it?
Peter?
Hello, Rog.
Peter was just helping me fix the shower. Was it broken?
No. Yes. Well, it was broken.
It's not any more. I had to strip off and get in there
because I didn't want my clothes getting wet.
Well, thanks. It sounds like you came at just the right time.
Yes, well, Holly was having a shower when I called around.
Tea, darling? BOTH: Yes, please.
So, how was the meeting?
Oh, fine. Les had some proposals for the pension plan to run past you.
Right-oh! A shame you couldn't make it actually.
Well, I had to go and visit a client who lives near here.
I thought I'd pop in and see how you were. Well, I was at the meeting you'd arranged.
Then I remembered you'd be at the meeting I'd arranged.
And Holly said she was having trouble with the shower so...
Anyway.
Look, Rog, there's something I need to tell you. Yeah?
Sit down.
What is it, Peter? This isn't easy, Rog.
I've seen Les's proposals for the pension plan already and I hate them.
They're piss-poor proposals. Poor old Les!
I know. Should we tell him?
Well, if he can't see for himself, that's his lookout.
If he can't see what's staring him in the face, that's his problem.
Yes. It's obvious to everyone how piss-poor those proposals are
and, if he can't clock that, I've no sympathy for him.
My feelings entirely.
In fact, I'd like you to have a meeting with Les. Put him straight.
Me? Yes. Would, er...
seven o'clock tomorrow be OK?
I'd have to check with Holly. I have. She's fine about it.
Ahhh-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Grr! Grr!
I'm wearing my wife's knickers.
HE GROANS
Sorry, Steve, I'm not being funny but could you just keep it down a bit.
What's happening to me?
Oh, mate! I keep asking myself the same question, if I'm honest.
Three times I worked past nine last week. And nobody says thank you!
Jane's out the door for six every day.
How many other companies are there that could use my skill sets
and pay me more, while we're on the subject, thank you very much?
But what do you do? You just carry on.
Aaaaaaaggghh! Aaaaah!
I know! I'm just so frustrated. You know they say you only use
20% of your brain? They're only using 20% of my potential.
I can remember when I built that tower of straws at school.
I actually won a bloody award for inventiveness.
Nowadays I just feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall, I really do.
For God's sake, do something! Yeah, you're right.
I'm seriously considering giving it till Christmas
then, you know, having a really good think about it.
You don't mind if I go in the shower first, do you?
Ag-ag-aaaggh!
I'll take that as a no.
SAT NAV: 'Speed camera, 400 metres ahead.
'Reduce your speed now.
'You don't want to be lining the Government's pockets.
'They'll only spend it on asylum seekers.
'This country is finished.
'Take the next right.'
Whey! Here he is!
CHEERING Cheers.
Now, what would a man who's about to attempt the first single-handed
unaided ascent of K2 like in the way of alcoholic refreshment?
Lemonade, seriously. Come on!
One pint is hardly going to stop you climbing the eastern ridge. Charlie?
Guys, I've got to be at base camp 6am tomorrow morning.
Whooooo!
Alright, then, I have a pint of Stella, then...
CHEERING Then it's off, OK?
Well, that's definitely me, then.
No! While you were in the loo, Jenny turned up.
She's getting us all cocktails.
Oh, no, no. I've got to drive over to Michael's
to pick up the crampons I lent him. They're Flaming Zombies!
ALL: Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!
Yeah...
I can probably do it without crampons.
Up your bum!
Great night, guys. Thank you so much for a brilliant send-off.
You're not going, are you?
Second highest mountain in the world to climb tomorrow, single-handed.
Oggy's here!
Oggy!
I thought I'd missed you.
Listen, same again, everyone? Yeah!
Yeah, I could probably stay for one more.
Six hours' sleep. That's still two more than Mrs Thatcher got.
A pint of water before I go to bed... Sorted!
CHANTING: Ritchie! Ritchie! Ritchie!
Are you sure you're all right? You've got to climb K2 in three hours.
I'll be fine. Just get a minicab from here straight to base camp.
Pop into Millets on the way.
I should really have my special high-carb, slow-release energy breakfast but...
I'll get a Scotch egg from the Wild Bean Cafe.
Same again, please!
So, wait a minute.
None of you have got work tomorrow?
No.
You bastards!
Can you feel that? Mm.
OK. Just give it another minute or so.
Get you nice and numb.
We do have some patients who don't want any anaesthetic.
Nothing at all, just drill straight in.
Interestingly, it tends to be the women who don't want the injection.
I don't know why that should be.
They're are a different breed, aren't they, the ladies?
Higher pain threshold and all that.
Tough as old boots, some of them.
You know when you were a little lad...
and you'd tuck your bits between your legs
and run around saying, "I'm a girl, I'm a girl"?
Interestingly, it's much more effective when you have proper pubic hair.
You have to be a bit firmer when you tuck it up.
I sometimes use duct tape.
The thing is, it's never going to be the same
as having the real thing, though, is it?
I mean, what is it like
to actually have
an actual...lady bit?
Of course, we've all experimented with inserting things up the old Jackson, but...
it's never gonna be the same thing as having a good seeing-to, is it?
OK, let's crack on. No pun intended!
HE MOANS QUIETLY
I tell you what it is, I just feel... I just feel really...
Oh! Shit.